Dream 455(Amor Sabor) I cleaned off my fur with a torn Adam’s apple and ate the sheets off my ears. Carmaker watched all the while and then joined the Bulbcutter in joyous approval. I stopped licking my toes and suspiciously circled their words. Stopping in mid-sentence, I closed my eyes to slip into a more comfortable smile when Willis the Bartender burst in screaming, “I can’t stand the silence any longer!” The Bulbcutter clicked his heels and spun into oblivion after checking his brain with a chrome dipstick. After this was done and Carmaker was completely satisfied that all was logically sequential, he turned and spontaneously eyed Willis the Bartender and nodded to him in the loud silence and read himself his rights. Willis the Bartender then karate kicked his doubts and drained the glimmer from his eyes with a brass spoon. He shouted, “I will wait for no man worth his salt”, and then he left in a paper bag immediately after leaving me with a broken funny bone. As if it were the punctuation mark for his last sentence. As if it were funny indeed! I spied myself translucently and yawned at my melting watchband I had left in the freezer. Then I could only wonder if I had time enough for whatever mattered. Even if it was frozen, time was very good with enough pizza.

It was obvious to me that I was going to be all right and that nothing worse could happen. I changed my mind’s diapers with a birdbath and I ignored my followers for eight days and eight seconds. Just long enough to catch my breath before it caught an out of town bus. It was just long enough to smoke a carton of cigarettes in the flooded basement. Carmaker returned and choked on the heavy smoke but managed to say a quick hello. Carmaker was an only child and it was common knowledge that he never kissed his teddybear good night. I believed he was merely pretending to be lonely just for the extra attention. So I went along with his antics and odd behavior without saying another word. Bulbcutter, on the other hand, was getting very heavy and my arms and shoulders hurt. Bulbcutter had not been on speaking terms with Carmaker since, but I knew it would only be a matter of lifetimes. But that was all. Willis the bartender had a toothache on a Sunday after brushing his hair so he was not able to fight with anyone.

Bulbcutter took his handkerchief out of his knee and began to cry out in agony. I had to give him a black jellybean just to get him to sleep because that is what had always worked for me in the past. Just before he put the black jellybean in his nose he managed to catch a star in the sky with a mapbook and a new crayon and I ate a cardboard sandwich. Suddenly, a loud crash came from the second floor causing Bulbcutter to wake up and rub his eyes with a watermelon seed. He then screamed like a coffee cup and demanded, “what was this”? Just then, Catwalker appeared from the source of the noise and she licked the Mercedes hubcaps we had given her for Christmas last summer. I asked Catwalker just how she managed to get into the house and she paved the wall with seventeen blue bricks and a tube of toothpaste. She answered, “I already got my license tomorrow”. I was very confused so I turned to Bulbcutter just as he smacked his lips after eating a green Cadillac. I shook my head in disbelief that he would eat the last Cadillac and I turned back to Catwalker as I repeated my original question to her in pineapple syllables, “I’m sorry Catwalker but maybe you misunderstood me. I will ask you again. How did you get into the house and what was that noise upstairs? What did you break”? Catwalker sniffed the air and broke out in three teardrops and answered, “I used my license to slide into the jamb of the door lock tomorrow.” I began to stutter for a day and when I recovered I said, “Oh, okay so what was that noise upstairs then?” Catwalker pouted and finished, “I broke a fish upstairs tomorrow”. Bulbcutter suddenly laughed and burped green bubbles almost simultaneously. I studied Bulbcutter’s face and noticed that he had a few bumper crumbs on his cheek. I handed him a handkerchief and a tomato peeler. I looked back to Catwalker and thanked her for breaking the upstairs fish so promptly. I then asked her if she was hungry. She eagerly replied, “Yes! Can I have some fried scapegoats tomorrow?” I smiled back at her as she gulped down a black jellybean that Bulbcutter handed her.

I got up and stood on my armpits and boasted proudly, I jumped over two cracks in the big door so that I could prove to you all that I really can count door cracks.” Catwalker looked to be impressed. Bulbcutter was impressed and embarrassed. Willis the Bartender was also impressed, embarrassed and elated. However Carmaker could care less because he was busy flossing inside of a milk carton. I accidentally stepped on a black jellybean and cried sideways. Willis the Bartender started to jump up and down while drinking mouse milk while I went outside to check the mailbox for any new chickens but it didn’t look like the town barber left anything this month. I went back inside into the closet and turned up the volume on the oven. I went upstairs to get ready to take the fleas to the circus when Bulbcutter began sneezing profusely. Catwalker jumped up and cried out, “Bless yourself tomorrow!” Bulbcutter answered, “thank you profusely.” Willis the Bartender lay down on the smashed black jellybean and balanced his checkbook with some marbles. I washed my truck in the kitchen and set fire to my Cornflakes so I could hurry to get ready. It seemed that the fleas were almost ready to go and I asked carmaker if he could please watch television for me while I was gone. Carmaker smiled in Spanish and said, “Sure, no problema. I can do that!” I sighed in Japanese and opened my eyes with a paper plate and reminded him, “Oh yeah! I almost forgot! If you get hungry before I get back, there’s a few Marlboros left in my backpack.” I grabbed the fleas by their armpits and rushed to the circus while Carmaker dutifully locked the bathroom door behind me and watched until he was absolutely sure that I was safely out of the driveway.

As soon as I got back, I noticed that I was almost out of Cyndi Lauper records to smoke. I asked Bulbcutter if he had any and he looked in all of his back pockets and said, “No! I’m sorry but I think I finished my last one eight minutes ago!” I told him not to worry that I would ask Willis the Bartender for one when he wakes up from his nap. Bulbcutter stood up and said, “That might take some time. I just set fire to him right after you left with the fleas so he may not wake up for at least nine more seconds.” I began to worry so I paced the plastic laundry room floor for an hour and a half and I said, “Okay! Don’t worry about it then. I’ll survive somehow. I’ll just wear my mothers glasses for now.” I took a deep breath and smoked a purple banana peel to get my mind off of it all. I looked out of the bathroom window and watched the clouds rolling by on the lawn chairs. I said a little prayer for my chocolate wheelbarrow and then I closed the hamper lid. I took a shower and washed all of my belly buttons real good. Catwalker came in and took a short walk into the mirror so she could dry off. I watched her pop her pimples for a few hours and then I handed her a bean masher from the dryer. As soon as I got downstairs I heard someone knocking at the bathroom door. I ran back upstairs and answered, “Who is it?” Bulbcutter sniffled and I asked, “What’s wrong now, Bulbcutter?” Bulbcutters tears poured down his cheeks from both ears and I could see he was obviously troubled. “What happened?”, I asked impatiently. “I got annoyed profusely”, Bulbcutter answered. Catwalker quickly walked on the ceiling and interrupted, “Ooh! Can I pop it tomorrow?” “Yeah!” Bulbcutter screamed enthusiastically. Catwalker suddenly jumped onto Bulbcutters left arm and squeezed it profusely until all the grapefruit juice melted from Bulbcutters back pockets. I looked into the toilet to see what time it was and noticed that it was almost three seconds after yellowed linen. I wrote it down on my picture frames so I wouldn’t forget and then I hung them profusely when Einstein walked in and measured the bathtub ring. He picked up the bathtub ring and put it under his arm and ran out of the room like a president. I could see the gleam in his eye and I envied him for that. I was jealous because I knew that he could get a lot of money for that bathtub ring at the bathtub ring recyclers down the street.

I was almost in a dream when Beethoven tapped me on the shoulder with a transparent plastic cup. I gave him some belly button lint and a jar of peanut butter. I watched him run out of the room too and then I began to feel sorry for myself. Willis the Bartender fixed me another Cornflake and I put it in my left nostril as fast as I could. My heart began to ache so I poked at it with a burnt fly swatter. I counted my blessings with a navy bean and I somehow managed to crack a smile in my forehead. Catwalker grabbed a flashlight and shined it into my cracked forehead to see what color my brain was. I stood absolutely still and waited until Catwalker was done with the inspection. She gingerly peeled back the top layer of skin from my forehead for a better look. Then she ran her fingers all around the sharp edges of my skull and spread leftover peanut butter on them so she wouldn’t cut her tongue. She reached in and pulled out an old travel magazine from my aching skull and she quickly read it to make me feel better. Then she put superglue on my forehead and sealed it with two leftover blue bricks and told me to call her in the morning. I felt better and I lived happily ever after for the next two and one half minutes although I had a hard time seeing and focusing very well because I had since then lost my sense of smell. I thought perhaps Catwalker might have been tempted to lick my sense of smell out of me but then I figured that maybe I should keep it under my hat. I didn’t want to think Catwalker would do something like that. I watched Catwalker take the elevator to the sidewalk.

The last I heard was that she went to go get a job at the rest home where she recycled bathtub rings that old people didn’t want anymore. Bulbcutter went outside to use a payphone to make obscene phone calls. That was the only thing that would cheer his aging Grandmother up. Willis the Bartender later shot himself in the foot to help take his mind off of work. Carmaker farted professionally and sometimes experimented with Betty Boop bumper stickers until the FBI picked him up for counterfeiting their paychecks. I could only benefit from the privilege of knowing what everyone was up to every five minutes. I stayed at home a lot to bond with my fleas and my furniture. I proposed to my living room and sat down in the garage for my honeymoon while I waited for a spelling bee. When the spelling bee arrived buzzing in celebration, I turned on the margarita maker after I sipped on one from a leather doorknob. Then I went to prepare my bath to go to sleep after giving it a sleeping pill. It was not a good day for a bath but I decided to take one anyway. I turned over in my grave and snored. I awoke abruptly around midnight when I heard footsteps and low voices downstairs. I originally thought it might be Willis the Bartender but I was too sleepy to get up and see. I continued hearing muffled sighs and shuffling footsteps all around the house. I was in the middle of a dream and did not want to leave it unfinished. Later I thought I heard the voices getting louder and closer. I put my mother’s glasses on so I could hear a little better and then I got up out of the dryer to check. I went into the second kitchen and looked into my silverware drawer to get out a baked ham to use as a weapon in case it was a burglar with red shoes. The house seemed quiet except for the ticking of a grapefruit. I was convinced that I had merely imagined the noise so I headed back to finish my sleep. I opened the dryer door and immediately became repulsed to find that all the lint was missing from the lint trap. I immediately dialed 911 and my mechanic answered. I asked him if he knew what the temperature was in Cleveland and he told me that he would send a squad car over there right away as soon as they finished fixing the glove box. I felt relieved and hung up the elevator.

I was not able to go back to sleep so I polished my elbows with a razorblade. It was almost two in the morning when I heard the doorbell urinate profusely. Einstein was standing outside shivering and handed me a paper bag with a bright black bow. I invited him in and gave him a pizza ice cream sandwich with a built-in lightswitch. He smeared it all on his neck and said “Go ahead…open it”, while pointing with his false teeth at the paper bag. I opened it and pulled out a three legged sweater fashioned out of the lint from my dryer. I was so touched by this gift that I regurgitated profusely and thanked him. He smiled and turned when his right arm fell out of his jacket. He bid me goodnight and wrote E=mc2 on my living room wall and disappeared in the fog. That was the last I saw of him.

© 2003 Amor Sabor

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