Arachnophobia(Ed DeRousse) Arachnophobia

As the body gets older, it tends to break down. One cannot escape it. Every last one of us has to deal with it. But we all deal with it in different ways. I’m OK with getting older, But occasionally, I wonder if I am really equipped to handle it.

I’m over sixty now and often times my mood determines how I deal with getting older. Sometimes an experience can determine how I feel. Sometimes, and I hate to admit this, watching a movie can affect how I deal with age.

On Super Bowl Weekend 2011, I had an adventure with some local spiders. On that weekend, John, a fellow teacher, had invited me along with some other friends to a Super Bowl Party at his new cabin. He had finalized the purchase a couple of months before. With his wife’s blessing, John, along with our help, was going to turn this into his man-cave.

He said his cabin was in a isolated wooded area several miles from town. His man-cave was completely surrounded by trees. Whoever built it had great taste, because it looked somewhat like the home the Cartwright’s lived in.

The previous owners never got a chance to live in it or complete their plans. They nearly had it ready for liveability. It had city water. The electricity was hooked up. The geothermal heating and cooling system was installed. Just flip the appropriate switches and move in.

John said the couple divorced and had to sell.

His man-cave, though, had sat vacant for at least two years. It needed some attention before the party. The day before the Super Bowl Party, John invited me to help him clean it up and prepare it for our friends. He didn’t think there would be a great deal to do. A little sweeping and gathering logs for the fireplace was all he said it needed. I was pretty sure John exaggerated a bit. But I was up for it, so I packed my gear and headed to my buddy’s house.

It was mid-afternoon when we arrived at our weekend retreat. John’s description of the cabin was accurate. It really did remind one of the Ponderosa, but on a smaller scale. John wanted to show me around the cabin before unpacking his truck. I was impressed.

As soon as we arrived at the front door, John opened it. The first thing I saw was not what I was expecting. Glistening in the sunlight, stretched from the top of the door jam to the ceiling, was a cob web. A big Halloween looking one, with honeycombed threads suspended by a thick single line on each end which attached the web to the door and the ceiling. Let me be perfectly clear here! “I hate spiders!!” Spider webs mean spiders have been or are present. I was certainly hoping the resident of this web was long gone. Although I did not see the spider, I worried about where it was.

Even though it was early February, the cabin was infested with them. I bet I encountered three or four of those arachnids all weekend. And a couple of them were even attached to their web with what looked like some of their food.

In spite of this first web sighting, I moved on. John showed me the rest of the cabin, then we unpacked his truck and began the clean up. Considering how long the place sat empty, it really wasn’t that messed up. After about three hours of removing the dirt and cob webs, we were satisfied with our clean up. We could finally put the weekend’s groceries away and the beer on ice. We ate some sandwiches and tackled our next chore, relaxing.

My idea of what’s relaxing and John’s idea are not necessarily the same. For me, one of those beers would taste good. That’s all I need. More than that would insure the unique sounds of the great outdoors would not be quite so peaceful. I would have been content with just listening.

But John had other ideas. He was anxious to try out his big screen sixty inch TV equipped with an expensive surround sound system. Apparently, he had arranged to have it hooked up earlier in the week when he had the satellite service turned on.

I must admit the TV looked awfully funny in that big family room. There was no other furniture in it except the TV trays, two folding chairs, and a slightly worn couch. The couch was a nice added touch.

Watching the Super Bowl on that large screen with a bunch of guys was going to be fun. John figured he and I could test it out for quality of enjoyment. He planned to watch a movie and preview some past football games. That way we could insure the “sounds” of football were perfect. Nothing but the best for his friends.

A previous Super Bowl game was selected and placed in the CD slot. When the game came on, John played with the knobs on the sound system until he was satisfied. He only brought one movie and it was now time to enjoy it.

John pretty much knows what he is doing all the time. And I am sure his movie selection was no exception. I was told the movie was a comedy. I enjoy a good comedy. This one was entitled “Arachnophobia”. When I questioned my buddy about it having spiders in it and being a comedy, he said, “Don’t worry, it has Jeff Daniels and John Goodman in it.” They’re comedians so it had to be funny.

Although I never said anything, I doubted it was a comedy. John was smiling throughout the entire credits.

A movie of any kind about spiders would never be my choice. But I was bound and determined not to give my buddy the satisfaction of watching me squirm. It was only a movie, after all, and not reality. I must say I was proud of myself. I don’t believe I squirmed even once. In my mind, there is nothing funny about a large deadly spider from the jungles of South America which is accidentally transported to a small California town. According to the movie, it then mates with a local spider and produces thousands of offspring. The residents of that California town disappear as a result of spider bites. Sure the spiders are exterminated and comedians Jeff Daniels and John Goodman do some funny things, but spiders in any setting make me extremely uncomfortable.

After the movie ended, John critiqued his favorite parts. He reminded me that spiders are carnivores and eat by sucking their preys innards out before ingesting them. I swear, he took a bit too much pleasure in describing how, John Goodman, the exterminator, and Jeff Daniels, the good doctor, liquidated the spiders. Something’s just not right with my buddy, John.

I endured his critiques a little longer, drank beer number three, and convinced John I was too tired to stay awake. I found my sleeping bag and spread it out on the floor in front of the fireplace.

John then spread his bag out on the couch and turned out the light. (It was John’s place so he got the couch.) He was snoring a very few minutes later.

But not me. The cabin was quiet, which meant that the arachnid was looking for me. Remember, I saw that vacant spider web at the door’s entrance a few hours earlier. Maybe it was looking for me? At least with the quiet, I could hear its approach. Boy! The mind can do terrible things when it becomes inactive!

Reluctantly, I feel asleep.

I awoke to the sounds of scratching. The sounds seemed to be coming from the couch. They were muffled, barely audible. Or at least, that’s what my sleepy brain was telling my ears they were hearing. I was facing the fireplace, so I couldn‘t be sure of what I thought I was hearing. I had to find out, so I turned toward the sounds. My heart stopped instantly.

I couldn’t help my self. I screamed like a banshee. What was left of John was being sucked up into that giant spider’s mouth.

I somewhat regained my composure. I needed to think. Rescuing John was out of the question, now. To survive, I had to get out of there as quietly and quickly as possible. Hopefully, it wouldn’t see me and come after me.

But, my hopes were dashed. It was headed straight for me, a foot dangling from that thing’s mouth. There was no way I could escape. No where to go!

I froze. I remember thinking, “This is really it. I’m going to die. What is death going to be like?”

A sticky leg from that freak spider was reaching for me. It would be just an instant now.

Suddenly my eyes popped open. It was pitch black, but yet I knew my eyes were open. My body was moving from side to side. I felt a hand pushing me from side to side. “Could it be John’s? Are we in the spider’s belly?”

Then I heard what sounded like a man’s voice. It was barely audible. I couldn’t make out what he said, at first. But it sounded like “Are you OK?”

The pushing continued...

Then, very quickly, everything came together. I heard John, emphatically, but with great concern, say, “Pete, Are you OK? Wake up, Pete. You must be dreaming!”

Whew!! It was only a dream. But I wasn’t so sure I wanted to admit that to my buddy. The middle of the night was not the time to deal with the razzing the admission would bring on. And John enjoyed razzing.

What do you do in a moment like that? Do you lie and say “Nothing’s wrong. You must be mistaken!” Do you tell the truth? “Yea man, I had a nightmare.” Or maybe you explain it away with some kind of plausible deniability. “It was all that beer, man. It made me have a bad dream.”

I chose plausible deniability.

John seemed to accept my explanation. He admitted the beer must have had an effect on him as well. I doubt, though, he had the same problems with his sleep. We talked a few more minutes and he went back to his couch. Snoring soon followed.

I made the attempt to do the same. But with one eye open. That spider might come back.

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