Love Lost, Not Forgotten(Arina Rashidan) “For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart.
It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.”
-Judy Garland


His name is Hannan. We have known each other for quite a long time, only to be closer in high school. He is known to be very shy towards girls and would prefer to only be friends with boys; I guess I have changed that in him.

Some people would say he is average-looking, uninteresting, and not eye-catching. For me, it was the exact opposite. I noticed him at school during our form four year, I was a ‘new’ student then because previously, I went to different private high schools so I did not get the chance to spend time or see my primary school classmates – we grew up separately. His school was the nearest government school near my housing area, so my mother had decided to put me there as private school fees were getting too expensive for my parents to afford.

Easy to say, when attending the school on the first day - I joined his group of friends and was the only girl. I did not mind that because they were very amusing and entertaining to be around with. Conflict struck after a while after that as a few of them started to have ‘feelings’ and ‘crushes’ for me. It was too much drama for me to handle, so I left the group and went along solo. To my surprise, someone followed.

We became the inseparable duo in school. Everything comes with a price - for us, we had to be patient with other people’s negative assumptions and misunderstandings throughout our friendship. He has always been so kind to me, ever so ready to lend an ear when I was feeling down and always knew the right thing to say to make me feel better. I’ve never felt happier in my life to find someone like him, reason because I had bad experiences during my childhood I find it difficult to trust anyone. He became the first to break through my wall of insecurities and he made me feel so special and safe in his arms.

From friends, we became lovers. Everyone knew cupid’s arrow was going to strike us sooner or later then. “Two bodies, one soul” – he used to tell me. But alas, when both of us moved ourselves to college life, something in both of us changed. Somehow, we still loved each other but decided to take a break for our studies.

I disliked the idea at first but I agreed eventually, for his sake. I kept his words in mind, “Just move on and live your life. I need to be free of emotions and enjoy myself. Once I’m done with my priorities and if you’re still available, I would want you back then.” It stings me to this day and every single day I live my life wondering what went wrong, who was at fault, what ifs, what happened, how did we get to this and what I would give to undo this tragedy.

Sometimes I wonder, “Does he even care anymore?” I was alone. It was as if a part of me was torn away and diminished. Took me a while to snap out of it. I avoided letting my soul be absorbed in the depths of depression and found myself different motivations to keep moving forward.

For me, he was more than just a lover – he was my only true friend. He knows me too well, my secrets, issues, problems, past and heart. I am still waiting for him to this day, who wouldn’t? To let go of something so precious to you is unbearable. He was my true love and always will be. Again and again, when people question me as to when will be the day I let go, I tell them, “I will love him till the day he tells me: I don’t love you anymore.”

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