IF It Were...(Rex Raman Rajkumar) “If the words I knew would have been so simple, if the way I had loved you would have been so alluring, all I would have asked was for you to stay by my side with me always and ever. If only you could have looked at me the way I have, if only you could have trusted me void of all the faults I have, all I would have asked was for you to love me.”

Those few words would have been more than enough I thought as I wrote down a letter before I left. I had stayed up all night fighting with the cons. I had stayed up all night assuring myself that I should never feel guilty for things I had done and for the rest I wished I had acted earlier. But it was late. She would be married in the next week and be sent off to the place I would never see. She was to be gone from me, and my life. I knew it hurt more than I had imagined, tears were no longer consoleable.

She had told me she would never want to see my face again, she had told me it was all over between me and her. Yet I knew she didn’t mean it, or more so I wished she hadn’t meant it. As I sat on my lonely chair gazing at the never-to-be-opened door, I wished I could hear some knocks, soft, desperate and saintly knocks. There was none except for the whisper of the cold winds that had passed through the cracks.

She had told me to find the lights and truths within the darkness. But all I could find was the misleading paths, the shining lights hadn’t dared touch my soul since ages. I had then been starting to believe in the righteous things less and less with each day. And I was at the last convinced that all I had been left was those four walls that had accompanied me every day. And when I die it would be another four walls of the coffin that would accompany me to eternity. No soul would come for me to pray, no words would be cited in my funeral, or more so I was scared if ever there would be any funeral.

I had lost everything, friends, families, hopes, and the passion to live.
I was tired, to even keep breathing. I had felt as if someone’s strong hands were trying to strangle me. I had closed my eyes, said my final prayer and waited for the invisible force to reap the soul of me.
The night has owned the darkness of the room. The soulless body lay untouched. I had felt light, relieved to be relieved from the known world. I was searching for everything no more, when all of a sudden I heard that familiar knock, that soft and tender knock.

I had then been lying numb; all I could do was listen to the knocks and wish that someone broke it open. As if my wishes were heard, the door broke open and I had heard the footsteps of her coming in. I was numb and all I could do was listen and watch as she strode to me, helplessly crying. She had held my hand, she had tendered my face, and I had known that her tears fell straight on my cheeks but I hadn’t felt it.

She did move her lips, she must have said something but I hadn’t dare listen to it. She would make me weak again, I had known. But I was not strong either, I was not letting me go off early either.

As she moved her hands over my senseless cheek, I wished I had five more minutes, minutes to say her goodbye, minutes to see her pretty face, minutes to feel the warmth of her hands though numb. But I wasn’t getting five more minutes, I had known.

I wished I had shed some tears, to show her that I was carrying her love to the grave. As if my wishes were heard, a few tears ran down over my cheeks. As if she had heard what I hadn’t said, she whispered, ‘I love you’. A few more tears ran down.

I had wished that the last thing to see before I closed my eyes was her face. I was feeling weak yet again. And as if she had heard my un-requited prayers she whispered, ‘I wish I had made you stronger’. ‘I wish I had been there to make you feel better, I wish I had been there to rinse the sadness off your life.’ And yet she knew she was making me weak all over again.

She kissed my cheeks, touched me tenderly again, held my hands tightly and then the next moment she had left me. I was numb and all I could do was to watch as she left me. I had known that the letter I wrote was never opened.

It was dark again, the night had returned to its early form. My soulless body lay untouched over my bed, with blood dripping from my wrists. I hadn’t closed my eyes yet, tears were still dripping down. I wished I had a few more seconds if not minutes. But I had known it was something I couldn’t have asked. As if HE had agreed with my decisions, I had felt my eyes closing, capturing the darkness of the world as I part from the known world. I had taken one last deep breath and then the next moment the world grew silent.

-Amen

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