TELEMARKETERS SING THE BLUES

TELEMARKETERS SING THE BLUES(Susan Joyner-Stumpf) This story, though true in part, is not meant to disrespect the profession of Telemarketing. In-between some very high profile jobs in my career that I held, I did compensate for my lapse of employment with these little side jobs, so, I know the ends and outs of them. Please, this was only meant to be funny and I'm not knocking anyone. Remember, I was one once, too.

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TELEMARKETERS SING THE BLUES

I don’t know about you, but I get sick of those damn Telemarketers. So I decided to come up with things to say back to them that would chase them away, for good this time. Oh yes, if you don’t try to chase them away, they will continue to keep calling – they will keep coming back like a migraine headache; like a bad dream. (“They’re baaaaaccck.”) Let’s face it, they’re as welcome as ants at a picnic, right? Or like the frumpy old Sales Lady at the Department Store that keeps following you around wanting to know if you need help and her perfume is so strong you can’t breathe long enough to tell her to leave you alone. Telemarketers will find their way back into your private little telephone life, so you have to nip it in the bud from the earliest beginning. I have come up with just a few solid solutions on my own that seem to work and permanently cease the intrusions, at least for the same ones. Of course, there’s a new slew of them on the prowl but this works for the majority of them. Keep using these few tactics and I promise you will have these Telemarketers Sing the Blues and be forced to sing it somewhere else and in somebody else’s ear. Ready? Let’s go. Tried and True, I always say . . .

Okay. Do you have Caller ID? I do too but the problem is, for the most part (and their company knows this) is that if it doesn’t appear as a “Blocked Call,” it will show up on your Caller ID as “Caller Unknown.” Okay, so, you don’t really know WHO it is and this forces you to pick up. When if its your buddy stuck on Highway 65 out of gas calling from his Cell which is on Roaming Charge? You don’t know, so, go ahead, pick up the damn phone.

Guess what? It’s not your stranded buddy.

It’s one of those – aaaugggghh, yeah – dammit – hate to say the word even, gives me shivers - Telemarketers. Now, you could just hang up, but if you’re passive like me and find it hard to be rude, well, then stick it out with me here. If your passive-aggressive and can hang up with the best of them, bravo for you, you can leave now, go visit my Poetry Folder and I’ll hear from ya later in your Review if its 250 characters or more. Otherwise, ready to rumble? Here we go.

Scenario No. 1:

(Ring, Ring) Telemarketer Alert. Now, if they’re not even talking in the English language (yes, this happens) go ahead and hang up. Simple enough for Scenario No. 1. Because unless you know Spanish and can say, “No Hablo Español” (translation: I don’t speak Spanish) –then any further conversation at this point is moot. Some callers are Russian, Iraq and even Japanese so, unless your fluent in multiple dialects, just hang up. Scenario No. 1 is simple. Don’t speaka my language, no speaka at all. Bye. Meet Mr. Click. Hang-up.

Scenario No. 2:

(Ring, Ring) Telemarketer Alert. Okay. They speak a dialect you understand: English. Some introduce themselves. Some don’t. Stop them right there if they don’t because they’re not expecting you to interrupt them this early in their spiel. You see, they are reading from a script for the most part. (Don’t ask me how I know this but I know.) So, you’ve thrown them off already by asking, “Oh excuse me. Back up for a second. What did you say your name was?” And of course, you see, they did not give you their name and now they are totally confused. So they give it to you. Just a first name, and usually very common: Susan, Sally, Mike, John. It might even be fake, one the company assigned to them as a “Pen Name.” Last name? Forget it. You’re lucky to get that. But they may know yours now, don’t be alarmed. You’re on a Mailing List and they may know quite a bit about you that would shock your socks off. Then they go on with the spiel after the name situation.

Now they ask you if they are talking to the head of the household. At this point, the real fun begins. Two things you can say here: the first is, “Well, let me ask myself.” Take your mouth away from the mouth piece of the phone so it will sound like you’re talking to someone in another room from a distance but you’re standing right there. “Self, are you head of the household? No? Okay, just checking.” Now put your mouth back to the phone area where you can be heard clear. “I asked myself and she said no. So the answer is no.” Beware, they may laugh at this point. DO NOT laugh back. Be dead serious. If they want to continue, you will have to use other tactics from different Scenarios.

The second version of the answer to their question of whether or not they are speaking to the head of the household is I tell them no, that actually I’m the youngest child in the house and mommy and daddy have left me alone without a babysitter. (Of course they know they’re talking to an adult and ruefully, most hang up right then and there.) For the few die-hards remaining that stay on the line. . . continue; you’d be surprised what your imagination can come up with. But I will be real surprised if they continue to hang on at this point. I am going to assume here the idiot hung up, just so we can save time and go on to Scenario No. 3.

Scenario No. 3:

(Ring, Ring) Telemarketer Alert. If you’re on a remote, this would be a great time to have to go to the bathroom or, like I do, just pretend. Now you can fake it by just talking to them while simultaneously making obscene body noises or by saying to them, hold on one moment, please, while I flush the toilet or wipe *******. Make some more sounds like your straining or something, having a hard time like constipation. They are still on the line now, not on hold, and you’re making all these sounds (fake, real, up to you). This should mark the end of Scenario No. 3 from their speedy disconnect. If not, I have bad news for you, you’re not talking to a Telemarketer, you’re talking to a real freaky pervert. I will assume here again that they are the former as opposed to the latter for the sake of moving on to Scenario No. 4.

Scenario No. 4:

(Ring, Ring) Telemarketer Alert. They’re going into their spiel. When there is a point where you can politely interrupt, you can say “I’m sorry, but you caught me at a wrong time. You see, I just had a death in the family and I’m making phone calls to notify other next of kin . . .” I know this isn’t nice to use family members (especially living ones) as an excuse to get off the phone, but it really works. Any compassionate person will immediately say I’m sorry, I’ll call back at another time. They will feel like they stepped on your toes or something and will apologize profusely more times than you want to hear. It will be hard to shut them up at this point, but try, because this could go on as long as their practiced spiel and you don’t want that either. If you have a hard time making up something regarding your family members, make up a friend or somebody you don’t even know, they won’t know the difference. This normally works real quick and so on to Scenario No. 5, assuming you were speaking to a compassionate person. Believe me, I’ve had some that kept wanting to go on with their spiel even after I told them this, telling me it wouldn’t take long.

Scenario No. 5:

(Ring, Ring) Telemarketer Alert. Here we go again. They’re calling right when they’re getting ready to announce who’s getting kicked off of American Idol or if you’re in the middle of any of your favorite shows. Tell them that: “I’m sorry, you’re really calling at a bad time here . . . (name the show you’re watching) is on and it’s really good and I don’t want to miss it . . .” and normally, same thing, they should apologize, say they will either call another time or not at all, and bye. Assuming they watch the same TV show but unfortunately have to work and be calling you and others, they hang up. On to Scenario No. 6.

Scenario No. 6:

(Ring, Ring) Telemarketer Alert. Now, this one is real fun. So they’re talking along and then ask you for some feedback and now it’s time to start acting like you’re cuckoo-nuts. I mean Super Nut Crazy Case Here. I say things like, “But you know what - - and the knife, I started digging it real deep inside his chest. I couldn’t believe all the blood and I hope to God the neighbors didn’t hear anything . . . oh but wait, I know you’re busy but I haven’t told anybody this; I have to get it out . . .” start talking real crazy shit, they will be so freaked out they can’t wait to hang up and will hope you don’t call THEM back from Caller ID. Should work. I will assume it did. I’d hang up on me if I heard that kinda stuff . . .jeeeez . . .

Scenario No. 7:

(Ring, Ring) Telemarketer Alert. Now men, if it’s a girl Telemarketer, start flirting. Women, here we go. So, the man has finished his spiel and is now asking me questions. He may ask me a direct question like, “Now Mrs. Stumpf, do you think the product will work for you and how would you like to pay for that, Master Card, Visa . . .” Interrupt him in a very low, seductive voice . . .by this time you should have a first name if you followed the rules of Scenario No. 2 by getting THEIR name . . . “John, what do you like to do for fun? Is Johnnie all work and no play? Can Johnnie come out to play? Guess what I’m wearing while I’m on the phone with you, John? Nothing.” If John is still on the line, well, then, he’s single and looking and if you’re married like I am, you have a problem. But if John is professional, he will excuse himself politely from the call and offer to call back and talk to the Man of the House. I will assume for the sake of argument that John was of a Professional Caliber and has now ended the phone call. I doubt seriously he will call back. And if he does, he will meet Mr. Stumpf who is also trained in the Art of Bullshit. So there!!!

Scenario No. 8:

(Ring, Ring) Telemarketer Alert. Okay. They start talking. At any point here, I mean, when they either ask YOU a question or there is a pause, start talking gibberish dialect. What’s gibberish dialect, you ask? Gibberish dialect is anything you want it to be as long as it doesn’t sound like any comprehensible language that has ever come out of a human mouth. Whatever sounds that imitate words that will and can roll off your tongue, go with it. For instance, she has asked you if you are familiar with their product at all. You say in as normal a voice as you can muster, “Deessmantuit Sutley Forasbling? Cusjoester Nioden Wssstufut Aoebeline.” Stop, pause, she/he may ask, “Excuse me, I don’t understand . . . do you not speak English?” You return with, “Buustem Keojet? Nukee Yarilo Gueerlon Haawkerefee.” If they stay on the line here without excusing themselves politely, I’d be real surprised. Though I don’t have much confidence in their intelligence aptitude, I will admit the majority will bow out here as gracefully as possible and now we are on to our last little Scenario.

Scenario No. 9: (yeaaaaaaaaaaaa, last one folks)

(Ring, Ring) Telemarketer Alert. So, it’s your friend again, Ms. Telemarketer and she has the spiel of a life-time. It’s long, it’s way long. You have her on Speaker Phone and she’s still talking while you have baked a pan of muffins and made a pot of coffee and let the dog out to pee and yourself out to pee and checked on your Emails on WDC in your Inbox. She’s still talking away. You must have been listening now for at least 20 minutes. You’re not saying a word. You can’t repeat anything she even said because you really haven’t been listening. After 25 minutes (oh yes, they have lasted this long; I’m surprised these Telemarketers don’t get laryngitis) and they come to the end and ask you, what do you think and blah, blah, blah – want to get their goat? I tell them I didn’t understand a thing and to PLEASE REPEAT THE ENTIRE THING because you didn’t really understand and you want to, because you’re interested in what they have to sell (bull, just say that anyway) and do you think she is going to want to read from her script for another 25 minutes? Hell no, she knows the company doesn’t pay overtime and she has to meet a quota and call so many people within a time-frame and her calls are monitored (don’t ask me how I know all this) so she will politely excuse herself from the phone and if she gets enough people to tell her stuff like this, I guarantee she will quit this job and be one less Telemarketer who has to go sing the blues.

Happy Telling Telemarketers Where They Can Sing It: SOMEWHERE ELSE IN SOMEBODY ELSE’S EAR. That’s where.

© Susan Joyner-Stumpf