A Brunette, A Redhead, And A Blonde(Ric Wooldridge) A Brunette, A Redhead. And A Blonde


Once upon a time there was three women crossing the Sahara Desert. It just happened to be at the beginning of their trek, early in the morning, when a captain of the French Foreign Legion along with his one hundred men came upon them.

To the captain, these three women looked very suspicious. There was a brunette carrying a heavy looking jug. There was a redhead laboring under the weight of a large cast iron pot. There was a blonde, who seemed to be carrying an immense piece of an automobile.

Looking down his nose, from the back of his horse, he first addressed the brunette in that manner that makes French officials the joy that they are. “Pray, madam. What could possibly be ze rrressone for such a stylish parade through ze great Sahara? And, pray, what sort of contrraband might I find in the cherished voz which lies crrawdeld so tenderly in your arms.”

Of course, Sally, the brunette, disliked the captain the moment he opened his mouth. Being an intelligent woman, she saw no need to aggravate the situation by saying anything to make it worse. It really didn’t matter how many r’s he used in any one word. Sally merely answered the man. “We were just taking a little hike into the desert to have a look. I have water in the bottle for when we get thirsty. You may have some if you wish.”

The captain was already inclined to give the girls a hard time, thinking that they were British by way of nationality. This illusion was swept away by the unimpressed, even bored, manner with which Sally answered a ranking French military officer. Looking at the redhead, who had the temerity to smile at him, the Captain inquired, “And you, Madame. Did you also come from America to picnic in the great Sahara? What are you concealing in zees cast ironware?”

Kim was no more put off than Sally. In fact, and because it obviously rattled the man, she actually giggled, and said, ”Now suh, how’d y’all figyuh we were from the U.S.? Ah don’t have any stickeuh showing, now, do Ah? It’s just lak Sally said. We wanted to see the dessut. She brought the watuh, and I brought a pot of beans for when we get hungry.”

The captain had taken just about all he was about to take. He would not be made a fool, especially in front of his men who were doing their best trying not to get caught while attracting the attention of these women while holding in their own laughter. There would be extra details tonight!

As his face reddened, the captain brought his attention down on Alice, the blonde. “And you, Madame. Is it possible that you have such necessary picnicking delights with you as your burden? Please explain , , , zees.” He gestured at the big, heavy exterior section of some passenger car.

Alice looked up into the face of the heroic French captain with awe and respect and answered truthfully. ”When Sally and Kim asked if I’d like to come along to see the desert I was very excited. I’ve seen movies and read books about the Sahara Desert and almost always the French Foreign Legion is there to save someone. And there you are! And here I am!”

It looked as if Alice would have jumped up and down and clapped if it wasn’t for the weight of her burden. “Yes Madame. Here you are. Now, please, what IS zees?”

Alice looked puzzled for a moment, then said, “Well, Sally was bringing the water for when we got thirsty. And she brought a lot of water, because this is, well, you know, the desert. It gets really hot. And Kim brought a big pot of beans and ham. Oh, I’m sorry. I wasn’t supposed to say that last part because it might bother people who live here. Anyway, she brought beans. I figured that I should contribute something important, even if it is a little more work. So, you see, I brought this.”

The captain was dumbfounded. In the brunette and the redhead, he could feel the disrespect and, therefore, possible deceit in their typical American manner. This blonde woman, though, absolutely exuded respect and honesty. Looking into her face and hearing her voice, compelled belief. Yet, really, she had still not told him what she was going to do with her piece of automobile..

“I see, Madame. You brought, zees. Now, please. If I may ask. What do you plan on doing with zees?” It was almost an entreaty.

With a look of absolute genius on her face, Alice proclaimed, “This is a desert. When it gets hot, I’m going to roll down the window.”

The captain looked closely at Alice and saw only sincerity. Out of the corner of his eye he caught the brunette and redhead biting their lips to stifle laughter. The captain was suddenly angry on the blondes behalf. Her friends found her simplicity entertaining. This was sport to them. Well, his part as the straight man of this little theater of cruelty was over. It was time to kindly bring down the curtain.

“Now, ladiees, zat we have investigated the rreasons for your apparel, may I ask just how far do you plan to journey into the Sahara?” The captain directed his attention to the redhead, who looked over to the brunette.. “We’ve brought enough food and water for a week, but we were only planning for a two day walk in and back.”

Shaking his head at their lack of insight the captain said, “You are ill equipped to endure one afternoon’s heat. But the very fact that you are here poses a problem for my men and I. We may not leave you here to your own rresources, even for so short a destonse. We must escort you back. First we must make our scheduled stop by the garrison, just a short way from here.” With that the captain began barking orders. Three of his men dismounted and aided the women up into their saddles, the brunette and redhead looking decidedly uncomfortable and upset. Alice, on the other hand, swung into the saddle with an ease of long familiarity. That is, once she was persuaded to relinquish possession of the car door. The corporal had to promise that he wouldn’t lose it, and that he would give it back once she dismounted her wonderful new transportation.

As the captain had told them, the detour had taken them less than a half an hour. The garrison was an old fort with heavy walls that surly had historic tales behind it. Added to it were modern touches, such as a high security perimeter and heavily guarded gates. As they went through the gates of the garrison, which the guards passed them through without a second thought. Kim and Sally smiled and waved at the guard that opened the gate and the other that stood at attention at the door of the guard shack as they passed. Several officers exited the command post and watched the patrol enter. The captain had seldom seen so much brass anywhere, let alone in this nowhere of an outpost. His company followed him into the courtyard and halted before his commanding officer and saluted.

The major, looking at the women, saluted in return. He then broke into a smile, not even acknowledging the existence of the captain and his company. Shaking his head be began to laugh, though the two generals behind him looked rather dyspeptic. Without waiting to be aided from their mounts, all three women dismounted and walked briskly up to the major and saluted. All three looked smug, as Alice said, “I told you we could get in any outpost anytime we decided. Even yours sir.”

The captain suddenly felt ill. The men in his company looked confused. The guards at the gates had no idea anything was wrong, but that would soon change.

Still shaking his head the major said, “Corporal, put zee car door down.”

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