New Life(Kevina) Dear Seth,

This is perhaps the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write. I’m not even sure what I’m going to say, but hopefully putting it on paper will help me sort out my feelings.
First, I love you. I also love Joel. These feeling will never change. But I have to choose. I don’t know if it’s more of a matter of who I love more, or who I can live without. I used to think I couldn’t live without you. And then you left. And I thought I would die. But I didn’t. And Joel helped me mend. If roles were reversed, I’m sure you would have done the same. But life is cruel. It took you from me, or so I thought. It left me with Joel. And I have grown to love him. Obviously. Otherwise I wouldn’t have married him.
I don’t know what would have happened had you been here the whole time. Maybe we would have stayed in love. Maybe we would have drifted apart. All I know is, we’ve drifted apart now. We’ve gone our own ways for so long, there’s no way to mend the gap.
There will always be a special hole in my heart where you used to be. But if I leave Joel, my heart will be broken in two. He completes me. Our daughter deserves to have her father. He deserves to have his wife not taken away from him because a ghost from the past reappeared. I know it is cruel to you, but I think it is for the best. No, I know it is. I hate making this decision. I hate doing this to you. Because you deserve the Rachael I was before. But I’m not that person anymore. I hope you can find happiness with someone else.
I hope you don’t hate me. But if it helps you move on, please hate me. Hate Joel for stealing me away.
This will be the last you hear from me. I will never be content trying to remain ‘just friends’. These last few days have shown that.
My family needs me. And I need them. Please accept that. Do not try to contact me. Don’t try to make me change my mind. I am so fragile right now, it wouldn’t take much. But I know this is the best course. I could never live with myself knowing I left them. And I would grow to hate you.
I want to part now, still loving you.
I don’t know what closing words to put that will make up for this. This language doesn’t seem to contain the right words for how sorry I am for this situation. But know this; I will never regret loving you. Loving you has made me into the person I am today.
And I thank you.

Rachael Elise


Four days earlier

It all started with a knock at the door. One rainy day. A day no one wants to open their door to talk, letting their heat out. I had seen, walking up the drive, that they had wood heat. Smoke was coming out the chimney. I also saw a tricycle, turned over, out in the yard.
They have a kid. I thought. I wonder if it’s a boy or a girl. I wonder how old she is. For some reason I was convinced it was a girl. I hoped so. Rachael had always wanted a girl.
Footsteps in the house. I suddenly wanted to run away. Run away from all of this. Which was stupid, really. I had spent months looking for her. Maybe it would have been better to leave it alone.
Never in my worst nightmares had I imagined her moved on like this. Married, had kids, at least one. I had just thought, since I spent so long, thinking only of her, waiting for her, she had been doing the same.
The door opened. I smelled cinnamon. And coffee. Heard music in the background.
Same brown eyes. Freckles were gone. Her hair was longer, and lighter. I didn’t like it.
“Seth.” How many times had I imagined her saying that? Welcoming me home? But in my daydreams, it had always been sunny. And she would be hugging me. I would be burying my face in her hair. I loved the smell of her. And she’d be crying.
Now? She was wearing a robe, a mug in her hands, slippers on her feet. And she was keeping her distance. I wondered if she was scared. If she was as terrified as I was.
“Please,” She opened the door wider, letting me see into her home. Their home. “come in.”
I stepped inside. She closed the door behind me. It clicked.
“I’m, um, sorry,” She bent down to pick up some toys laying by the shoe basket. “I didn’t expect you so early.” She set the toys down, two feet from where she picked them up.
I was mesmerized by her house. All wood floor. Her feet were always cold. Why’d she buy a house with wood floor? Family portraits on the walls. I couldn’t bear to look at them. I wondered if she had any pictures of me anywhere. In a box in the attic? Dare I hope, in her wallet, stashed where her husband couldn’t see?
“The house is a mess.” I slowly turned my head to look at her. She was restless, kept wiping her hands on her sweats. Why was she acting as if I were an uninvited relative? Was I welcome?
“Can I take your coat?” She made no move to do so. I realized I was soaked, dripping all over her wood floor. I shrugged my coat off, and she took it and hung it on the rack by the door.
“Can I get you a cup of coffee?” She was slowly moving forward, towards the living room I presumed, as she talked. “There’s some muffins that just came out of the oven.” The cinnamon smell.
“I’m fine.” Did my voice just crack? And was that really the first words I had said to her? I’m not fine. I’ve missed you so much. I’ve thought about you everyday. How could you do this to me? Didn’t you know I was still alive? How could you have believed everyone that told you I was dead? Why didn’t you wait for me?
“You can come sit down.” She was standing at the end of the hall, waiting for me to move from the spot I’d been glued since entering the house. I slowly moved forward. The floor didn’t creak. It was a nice house. He must make good money.
We entered the living room. There were several couches. Rugs too. At least her feet wouldn’t be cold in here. There was a big screen TV. The source of the music. And sitting in front of it was a little girl. Blonde hair. She must get that from her dad. Rachael had dark hair.
“Sophie, come meet Seth.” The little girl popped up. Hannah Montana pajamas. Freckles. She gets those from her mom.
“You’re momma’s old friend who came back from the dead?” Old friend? That’s how she describes me?
“Why don’t you go play with Hayden while Seth and I catch up?” Rachael patted her head.
“Okay, Mommy.” She skipped away. We sat on the couch. Rachael reached for the remote sitting on the floor. Muted the TV, but didn’t turn it off. It was a cartoon. I didn’t recognize it.
“How old is she?” I asked. Judging by the muted-plot of the television show, she couldn’t have been too old.
“She’s four.” Silence. “Hayden’s our dog. We just have the one kid.” As if she could read my mind.
“The weathers been crazy.” You think I want to talk about the weather?!
“Yeah.” My response didn’t betray all the arguing emotions inside me.
“I’m sorry Joel isn’t here,” she said. “He got called into work. He was going to try and come home early, but we didn’t expect you this early.”
I could ask lots of things. What does he do for work? How’d you meet him? But none of that mattered to me. I didn’t care. I only cared about her.
“Are you happy?” I startled her with the question. She visibly jerked.
“Yes.” She hesitated before answering. Is she lying? Is she truly happy? Maybe he cheats on her. Maybe he yells.
“I have to admit how much of a shock it was when you called.” She was back to being fidgety. I noticed her nails were long and painted. So she stopped biting them.
“I thought Johnny was playing a cruel joke.” she said, referring to her brother. “You have to understand. . .” she paused. “it’s been seven years. We all thought you had. . .”
“Died?” I finished for her. Suddenly I was furious. How could she have believed that? How could she move on? She listened to the governments, which proclaimed me dead, rather than her own heart?
“Yeah.” She cast her eyes down, and just like that my anger vanished. This couldn’t have been easy for her.
“Well, I didn’t.” Suddenly I felt the urge to talk, just talk to her. “I was kept in that place for my information. Working with the government, I know their plans. Those terrorists wanted to know how to build weapons, where world leaders would be meeting. . .” I rambled on. She listened, even though I’m sure she had heard all the details on CNN. The press had had a field day when I had returned. It was quit a story, how I had escaped, and I even told her all of that. The details, how I had planned it out. I talked on and on. The clock turned. Rachael got me a cup of coffee. Sophie came out twice, once to say she wanted lunch, once to say she stubbed her toe. I watched as Rachael dried her tears, and kissed her until she laughed. She smiled, and her eyes lit up the same way they used to. So much had changed, but she was still the same person.
I still loved her.
Sophie went back to her room. Rachael noticed me staring at her. She glanced away, embarrassed, two spots of color dotting her cheeks. Then she looked at me. Truly looked at me. For the first time. Her eyes were intense. Brown, with small flecks of blue. Eyelashes, long and beautiful. Suddenly those eyes filled with tears.
“Seth, I missed you so much.” She grabbed at my hand. Her touch sent electric shocks through my body.
“I missed you so much, Rachael.” I grabbed her hand, so soft, with both of mine. I never wanted to let go.
Then we were leaning forward. Energy seemed to crackle around us. Suddenly nothing else mattered. Where we were, when we were. Nothing had changed. We were still made for each other.
We were so close, her breath touching my cheeks. Her smell, enveloping me. I ran my fingers through her hair. There was so much I wanted to say, but words could not express my feelings. Only one thing could.
I leaned closer, closed my eyes. I felt the couch shift, and I thought she was moving closer. Then her voice shattered the moment.
“Joel.” My eyes snapped open. Turned towards the man standing in the hallway. With murder in his eyes.
His coat was wet. He was dripping on the floor. Mud coated his boots. But he seemed oblivious to all this.
Rachael got up, too fast to pretend she wasn’t embarrassed. I lost contact with her hand. The emptiness returned. She approached him, this stranger. He was tall. She was so small compared to him. He could easily damage her.
“Seth, this is my husband, Joel.” Those words hurt more than anything. I got up, tried to be civilized. I shook his hand. He gripped it tight. Showing me he could take me. He didn’t understand I had been in a hellish prison the last seven years. I was hardened. I would fight for what was important to me.
I didn’t realize how long we had been in this silent stare down until she spoke.
“Let me take your coat, honey.” Not referring to me. She never called me honey. She always affectionately called me ‘babe’. And she was my ‘sugar’.
She took his coat. He took off his boots. We all sat down in the living room, even though all I wanted to do was run away. I didn’t want to sit here, seeing them sitting so close, his hand on hers. She didn’t seem entirely comfortable either.
She got up. Collected all the coffee cups. Took them into the kitchen. I heard water running.
“I can’t imagine what emotions you’re experiencing right now.” Joel said. Low enough that Rachael wouldn’t be able to hear above the water. “I know you two had plans. And I know this must be hard for you to accept. But she is my wife. You coming back hasn’t changed anything in our marriage. I hope you can respect that.”
Suddenly I couldn’t breath. No, I couldn’t accept that. She was mine first. My first and only love.
Rachael came back in. I got up.
“I’m sorry, I have to go.” I turned, going towards the door. “Thank you for your hospitality.” I didn’t want to look at her. I didn’t want her to see my eyes filling with tears.
“Seth. . .” She stopped. What was there to say? There was no going back.
I nearly forgot my coat in a rush to get out. I walked towards my car, mud sloshing under my feet. The rain mixed with my tears. Hot and cold.
“Seth!” She was running towards me as I got in the car. I stopped, went towards her, left the door to the car open.
We ran into each others arms. She was shaking with sobs.
“I don’t want you to go. It’s been too long without you.” Her voice was muffled, her face pressed into the cloth of my coat.
“Rachael, I love you.” There. I said it.
“Oh Seth.” And it was nearly a sigh. And then our lips were touching. All my dreams, my expectations fulfilled. Indescribable: that’s what the feeling was.
Then she pulled away, much too quickly. I could have held her forever. I reached towards her, but she pushed me away.
“I’m sorry.” She was crying again. “I can’t. . .” Her hands slipped out of mine. “I can’t do this.” And just like that, she was gone. Running away from me.
No, this isn’t how it was supposed to go.
She flung open the door. Through the window I saw Joel get up, and she rushed into his arms. And he held her.
He wasn’t angry? He must have been watching us through the window.
I couldn’t bear to look any longer. I got in the car. Drove away. I was numb. I didn’t know what to feel. I should have left it alone. I shouldn’t have tried to see her. She was moved on, she had left me.
Four days later her letter came. I sat at the table, staring at it blankly. She was choosing him. Do not try to contact me. She didn’t want to hear from me.
Slowly, an ironic smile crept on my face. I looked down at the other paper on my table.

Dear Rachael,

I understand now. At first, I thought we could be together. Even after learning you had moved on. But I realize now we can never be. The looked in your eyes, after we kissed. It was utter horror. At that moment, I knew this would never work. Had you chosen to leave your family, you would have always viewed me as the bad guy. I couldn’t live like that. I hope you accept this. Love Joel as you would have loved me.

Seth

Slowly, collecting both the papers, I crumbled them in my hands. Getting up from the table, I threw them in the trash. And went to start my new life.

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