I Am Not You(Lindi) Welcome to my diary, welcome to my life. A life that I wish none of you will have ever. It was hard to write this to you all but I wanted to share my experience with eating disorder.

26th March 2010, autumn- I have been bullied and called a fat pig at school today. I went home with a shadow hanging over me. At home I have locked myself in the room. There is no one here. I went to the mirror. the girl I saw wasn’t me.

27th March 2010, autumn- I don’t want to write today. I have started to stop eating.

14th April 2010, autumn- It’s been a long time since that day. I’m getting smaller and slimmer. I came home from school. I didn’t feel good today. I have thrown out my lunch and I was hungry. I was sitting at the dining table and the food didn’t seem interesting to me. My parents never know I have anorexia. I didn’t eat the whole plate, instead I ate one or two things on the plate and said that I’m full. I then told my parents I was going to my bedroom to study but instead I went into the toilet, where I tried to make myself throw up. When everything was done I went to my bedroom. I saw myself in the mirror. I look at the girl in the mirror. she seems so fat, so distant and I don’t want her to be there.

15th April 2010, autumn- I hate my day today. I didn’t want to go to school. I didn’t want the teasing and the constant, 'you’re so fat get away from me', 'you are taking up so much room on the seat' and many insults. I didn’t eat today too. I want to be like all the other girls in the school to fit in. They are all so beautiful, so slim and tall. that’s not me. I’m the opposite. I’m fat still. The girl in the mirror is not me. Goodnight I’m going to bed.

16th April 2010, autumn- I came down with the flu today. Mother made me eat. When she wasn’t looking I have thrown it out. The medicine I drank made my stomach feel so weak. I’m so sleepy, so bye.

18th April 2010, autumn- I’m still sick today. Mother said that I’m getting weaker and smaller. But I regret that I nagged at her saying that I’m fat and to leave me alone for the day. I kept vomiting and vomiting today. She told she was going to take me to the doctors but I have said no.

22nd April 2010, autumn- Today was not my day at all. I collapsed five times making mama worried sick. My lil sis didn’t care and dad was always working. Mama has said that I should go to the hospital but I shouted “no I’m not going and you can’t make me”. But after the seventh time she called the ambulance and I was abusing her for that. When they arrived they quickly took me to hospital. They said that I’m worse than they had thought. I didn’t know why, but I fainted at the back of the ambulance again.

29th April 2010, autumn- I woke up in ICU today and there were so many tubes in me and there was this tube in my stomach too. It was painful for me. I tried to pull it out but the nurses came in and stopped me. Mama came in too with my dad and they were by my side. The nurse went out of my room. My parents looked worried and they asked me why I didn’t tell them I have anorexia. I didn’t say anything to them. Bye, I’m going to sleep now.

30th April 2010, autumn- I have learned today that I will have to stay in the hospital for two months. I have no friends, but my lil sis has made an effort to come with my parents to visit me. She wrote a poem about me at school. She is not very good at it. But made an effort to make me happy.

My sister is sick
From that awful illness that made her weak
She has no friends
But I hope that she finds one until the very end

I wish I would have traded spot
Even though I could not
I want her to come home to fight
But that would have to be a might

I wish she would get home soon
Or I might see her that day on the moon
With me crying
On the day she was dying

My sister holds me tight
But she doesn’t bite
I know the time she was mad
And the day I saw she wasn’t glad

I want you to come home
To have that many birthdays
That all of us would share
And to find hope that this would never happen again


That was the most beautiful poem that came from deep inside her heart even though she doesn’t like me as much.

7th May 2010, autumn- it has been a long time since I have started to write again. I’m starting today to eat the food that normal people eat. It tastes so great. I never knew that I was hanging on the edge of living. I wasn’t even that much alive mother would say. Now I’m happy and well.

18th May 2010, autumn- I’m improving day by day. they said that I have improved enough that I could go home. They said that I could even come home in a week. I’m so excited, but I don’t know what home is like.

20th May 2010, autumn- today was strange. I woke up with a lot of people from my class. It was the athletics girls. They were the hottest girls in the whole school. I didn’t know why they were. They said hi to me and that they would want to apologize for teasing me to put me in this mess. They asked me if I wanted to be friends. I was so happy. I giggled with joy and said yes. I also gave each of them a hug. it was so cool.

4th June 2010, winter- I came home today. the athletics girls came to my house. They have started to talk to me and hang out. They said that I was pretty and tall. I didn’t even notice it. I ran to the mirror and there I saw the most beautiful girl I have met in my life.

I thank the doctors and everyone that has helped me live through this and I hope you will not go over the limit with dieting.

Bye. I have cut short my whole diary entry of my time with the eating disorder. sorry. I’m sick today, that’s why.

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