Never Forgotten

Never Forgotten(Selena) Never Forgotten


Tuesday, Feb 7, 2006

Dear Diary,

Mom said I HAD to buy this stupid diary. She said when I grow up, I’ll love reading all of my ‘younger’ stories. Yeah, of course mother, I’ll totally remember and shall still have those entries four years from now. I’m probably gonna throw this somewhere in my room…if you can call my room a room. To be honest, my room’s a dump! I’m way too lazy to clean it up. But seriously, do all mothers ask their daughters to buy a diary? Or is mine just plain weird? At least she let me choose my own cover design. My cover design is sort of hard to explain. There’s this plant smacked right in the center of the page. Flowers bloomed around it and little fireflies flew all around the plant. Surrounding the plant is darkness. In the pool of blackness, the plant itself is a little island. The sky above the plant is gray, dark gray with white clouds. I wonder if this means something, I wonder why I chose this design in the first place, I feel like that plant is me. I don’t know why, but it’s a sixth sense.

I actually don’t even think I will remember to write in this piece of junk at all. It’s way too embarrassing to let all my friends know that I keep a diary in secret. Wow, why did I even bother to write this much. You certainly won’t see my writing in this notebook for a while after this! (BTW I prefer to call this a NOTEBOOK instead of a DIARY if you don’t mind. Diary just sounds so childish.)

Yours IDK,
Lucianne Iris (Preferably Luci).



Sunday, April 22, 2006

Dear Notebook, NOT a Diary,

Ha! Told you I wouldn’t touch you for a month. It’s been more than 2 months now! Yeah, I know you’re wondering why I decided to write in you today. Well, it’s my 14th B-Day today! Not having a party this year is my birthday present. Having a party is too much work. I’m weird, I know.

Anyway, you know this guy in my class named Fraser Evans, he’s SO annoying! I’d only known him for barely a day and he’s already stuck on my mind. He kept bothering everyone! He always says that he’s the best singer in the world and he shows off so much! Honestly speaking, he sounds horrible. Like a pig being slaughtered. LOL but he was still one of the cutest boys I’d ever seen. The first thing I noticed about him was his eyes. God, they are cocoa brown with gold specks, and they’re so warm and welcoming (*cough, cough* unlike his personality). They made me want to stare into them forever! Ok, so my class was playing dodge ball for gym today, and he kept getting in my face! Everywhere I was, he was either behind me or in front of me. Whenever I wanted to get the ball that rolled in front of me, he would grab it first. I wanted to punch him in his stupid face! I wanted to scream ‘LEAVE ME ALONE!! GET THE HELL OUTTA MY FACE!’ But you know what’s funny?! One time, when he tried to get a ball that I had my eyes on, a ball from the other side came shooting towards him like a bullet. It smacked him right in his ‘part’. That ‘part’ of his has gotta hurt! I on the other hand, laughed and said, “Ha ha! Are you ok?” He glanced up with his cocoa eyes and glared at me. From that moment on, something in me sparked.

Last week, I had to go for my first cancer treatment. (Yeah, that was a new ‘discovery’.) I was creeped out! I didn’t know what to expect! Ever since my sis found out I had skin cancer on my arm, I’d never really been the most optimistic girl on Earth. Anyway, I guess it started when a stupid scab wouldn’t heal and then my sis got suspicious of what it was. After confirming it was skin cancer, (I think its scientific name is Melon-something) my sis acted like she was the most brilliant person on Earth. But she also said I changed since her ‘discovery’. She didn’t say how. But I don’t feel any different. I’m still the same old me, a girl with braces and who loves to wear different socks on each foot. The only difference is that I’m diagnosed with a disease…that can end my life anytime…

Your friend…I guess??
Luci.


Monday, April 30, 2006

Dear Notebook (Don’t want to bother mentioning ‘It’s not a diary’),
It’s beautiful outside! I can hear birds chirping cheerfully out the window and the sun is shining brightly into my room, yes, I’m in a room. And it’s not just any room, it’s a stupid hospital room. The idea just makes me sad. The walls are painted puke green and it smells like a combination of metal and medicine. DISGUSTING! The doc said I’m doing OK, and I should be able to survive. (Yeah, that totally cheers me up, ‘I should be able to survive’ blah blah blah. -_-) This place makes me think of death. The kind whereby, a person dies slowly and is forgotten by others… MUCH worse than a ‘BANG’ of a bullet going through ones head. I wonder if that’ll be the way I’ll die. Ughh! I’m too young to be thinking about death. What the hell?! I’m only fourteen! Though I feel like I’m much older than that because my life could be much shorter than everyone else’s! I’m only a normal girl, or at least I want to be! I’M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!!!! I know that I’m a teen girl with cancer…a deadly disease…whose heart might just stop any minute, but what have I ever done to turn me into a cancer victim?! That’s scary by just thinking about it all day. Anyway, I should stop writing about depressing stuff…but I can’t stop thinking about it. Maybe I should just stop writing now. Hope you have a good day.

Your friend,
Luci


Wednesday, May 9, 2006

Dear Notebook,
WHY CAN’T I BE NORMAL LIKE ANY OTHER KID! ALL I DO EVERYDAY IS LIE ON A STUPID HOSPITAL BED AND STARE AT THE STUPID CEILING! IT’S LIKE THE STUPID NURSES EXPECT US TO FIND SOME STUPID CREATIVE PATTERNS ON IT! I JUST HAD FOUR STUPID FREAKING TREATMENTS THIS WEEK! FOUR IN A STUPID WEEK! HOW AM I GOING TO SURVIVE IN THE FUTURE?! HUH?! MY HAIR IS ALL GONE AND I LOOK LIKE A MONK! THIS IS NOT HOW I WANT TO LIVE THE REST OF MY LIFE! SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE MY HEAD IS GOING TO BURST! I’M SO FREAKIN’ STUPIDLY BORED! Lori, my STUPID sis hasn’t visited me for the past few days either. She says she’s so busy with her STUPID homework. Of course her STUPID grades are more important than her sis who is about to die. No, I am NOT raging…ok fine, maybe I am a little. I’ll try to calm down. *Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, and breathe out* Ok, I’m better now.

It seems like cancer is the worst thing that can happen to a teenage girl. It ruins her whole life! I can feel right now that my life is slipping away from me…little by little. Living in a life filled with sick people all around you puts too much pressure and fear in your heart, which is not my ideal lifestyle. WHY CAN’T I LIVE LIKE MY FRIENDS?! HAVE A NORMAL TEENAGE LIFE LIKE ANY OTHER TEEN?! I’M PISSED AT EVERY THING! THE HOSPITAL, CANCER, MY LIFE AND ME! Ok Luci, *breathe in, breathe out, breathe in and breathe out* AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! IT’S NOT WORKING!!!!

Your REALLY pissed friend,
Luci


Friday, May 11, 2006

Dear friend,
Lalala!! I’m so happy I could sing! (Don’t worry, I can sing way better than Fraser.) My whole class came to visit today! Including that dodge ball- stealing guy I mentioned before. He seemed to be getting cuter every time I see him…I hadn’t seen him for like, two weeks. He looks totally different. It could be because of the haircut. And you know what else?! My BFF, Crystal, whispered, “I think Fraser might like you. He kept asking all of us, who the girl was that laughed at him during dodge ball then mysteriously disappeared. I’m gonna try to get you two together after you feel better!” I chocked on my apple when I heard this then burst out laughing, “REALLY!? He actually said I ‘mysteriously’ disappeared?” In my mind, I was worried that his first impression of me was that I am a mean person. It was the best day of my life! Even better than the time my sister swallowed a goldfish six years ago. I won’t get into details about that, it’s going to take me days just to finish, and half the time, I’ll probably be laughing my ass off.

Right now, not even the news of getting another huge surgery could ruin my mood! If I could, I would be running around the room like a maniac and squealing because the boy I like might actually like me back!!!!!! Lalalalalalalalala!!!!! BTW, he was pretty nice to me, mainly just chatted with his friends sometimes cracking a few jokes about random things. I tried to get more info about him through Crystal. She told me that he’s really good at soccer and basketball. A multi-talented guy I see… ;) And I hope he’s good at kissing too!!!!

Your SUPER DUPER OOPER HYPER friend,
LUCI


Monday, May 28, 2006
Aloha my friend,
YESSSS!!! Doctor said I’m healing really well and I can go home on Saturday!!! My survival chance has increased from 60% to 90%! Yey!!! I can go to s-c-h-o-o-l next Monday!! I can’t wait to go back to school! I know I can be weird sometimes. I’ll be sitting in my old desk and chatting with my friends exactly a week from today!! Although I still might get some other ‘healing’ treatments throughout the week. LOL yes I had to point that out. I missed the days where I hung out with friends. Going to Seven Eleven to buy extra large ‘slurpees’ just to see if we could get a brain freeze…ahhh, good times. We were so weird! We would always hang out at the park watching scholars skateboard. When they would fall off, we would all giggle and slurp our ‘slurpees’ pretending we didn’t see anything. Maybe this time when I go back, Fraser will be one of those skater dudes. I wonder how my friends are doing without me…is anything different? More importantly, do they actually miss me? I know Crystal does. She always calls me when she gets the chance. To me, Crystal is sometimes more of a sister than Lori. I just hope Fraser won’t make fun of my lack of hair from all the therapies on Monday… I do look a little bald. No, I am considered bald. I actually miss my hair. It used to be jet black and really long. I never use to tie it up. When the wind was really strong, my hair would fly all over my face and loved the tingling sensation of my hair on my face! Now, I barely have an inch of hair on my head. It’s like my head is a giant peach while the hair is the peach fuzz. I wonder if I look really ugly… I still feel like a monk.

Your hair-lacking friend,
Luci


Monday, June 4, 2006

This was not what I had pictured as my first day of school. Crystal got a boyfriend. I should be happy for her but, guess who the guy is?! Fraser! This is so stupid! Why the heck does she like Fraser? She even told me in the hospital that when I got better, she is going to try to set me up with him. ME, not HER! Guess she totally forgot and got him first! All I can think about is him, his face and his eyes! Gosh, he has the most amazing eyes ever! They’re deep, cocoa brown with little specks of gold. One look at it makes you want to melt like ice cream on a hot, summer day. My eyes always wander off in his direction, and he seemed to catch me staring every time! It sometimes gets really embarrassing.

Looking at him makes me forget everything around me, the people, what is happening…there is only the two of us alone in the world. Crystal and Fraser, Lucianne and Fraser, Crystal and Fraser, Lucianne and Fraser…I have to admit, her name does sound nicer with his than mine, but… Never mind, there’s no buts. I just have to accept that he’s taken, by my best friend. Guess a normal teen life isn’t so normal after all. BTW as I predicted, he made fun of my hair. First thing he said to me when he saw me was, “Yo! What up with your baldy hairdo?”

Your depressed friend,
Luci.



Thursday, June 15, 2006

Wazzup best friend,
Grad Trip tomorrow! So pumped! We’re going to New York for 4 whole days! But, that’s not the most important thing on my mind. Crystal and Fraser broke up today after school! Fraser broke up with her saying that he doesn’t have any feelings for her anymore. She came up to me with her eyes bright red and stuttered, “I…I c…can’t b…b…believe he actually did it. I overheard h…him saying t…to h…his friends that he’s g…gonna b…break u…up w…w…with me. But I never t…thought it was actually t…true!” All I did was look sympathetic and pat her on the back saying he isn’t worth her time. But deep down, I was bubbling with excitement. He’s now finally open! Free for me to take a chance. For the past few months, he rather ignores me, or he will tease me about my short hair. All I do is greet him with silence. Deep down, I know he’s a jerk and is very full of himself, but I know he acts this way because he feels insecure. (FYI I do not stalk him. But I do my research on Facebook.) What he left me with was he hated me since that time I laughed at him. And I noticed that every chance he got, he tried to make me feel bad about myself. I don’t know why but I think he hates me. I’m guessing it’s all because of that day during dodge ball. Or maybe I’m the one he likes now! But he’s been ignoring me for the past few days…not even one tease or sentence was spoken. Come to think of it, that’s how I’ve been acting around him when he annoyed me. Am I horrible? A horrible person and friend? I mean I do truly feel bad for Crystal, but if you think about it, what if the guy you always liked had been dating your BFF and all of a sudden, he is free? Wouldn’t you be hopeful? Anyway, I got my grad dress! It’s not too girly or too formal. It’s just perfect. It’s light pink, strapless, and has a simple sash around the waist. It goes just above my knees and on the sash, I added a flower. The flower is a shade darker than the dress and has a fake diamond on it. The flower didn’t come with the dress; I got it off a head band. Honestly, who wears a headband with a flower on it that’s as big as your head?!

Your confused yet extremely excited friend,
Luci.



Friday, June 29, 2006

Dear you,
Last day of school, last time ever to be able to see Fraser too. we are going to different high schools. Since I made it to a special program in a high school in downtown, we are splitting up. He never told me who he liked after the break up with Crystal and he never knew about my secret crush on him. And I know he’ll never know now. This secret, I kept only to myself this whole time, it tortured me more than the fear of when I had cancer. Having cancer isn’t the worst thing in the world, keeping a secret crush is. That secret can cause you more pain than any disease can. It is buried deep within you and it’s hard to let it out. It twists your emotions and can tear you apart. And a secret that deep can only be found living in a normal teen life…which I never thought would be so hard.

Your best friend,
Luci.




I smile as I skim through my notebook from eighth grade. I don’t have time to read all of my entries, just the ones that catch my eyes. That entry written on June 29th, 2006 was the last entry on that notebook. That notebook was the only object that contained my memories of Crystal and Fraser. I completely lost touch with them. They ended up going to the same high school and I wonder if they are back together now… That notebook wasn’t even touched or opened until now. I knew it was buried under my bed these years, but I didn’t have the guts to read it. I figured the reason I didn’t want to look at it was that I didn’t want to be reminded of my cancer…and mainly Fraser, but that boy never left my mind. There was always a blurry image of his eyes haunting my memories.
At the beginning of grade 8, I was just a young, naïve girl who thought living in the world was so simple. In the end, I was a teen who experienced heartbreaking and survived a deadly disease. I guess my mom was right; looking back into my memories is definitely interesting and brings back precious moments. But looking at the word ‘Fraser’ scribbled practically everywhere on my notebook makes my stomach spin like a tornado. It feels like someone had just stabbed a thousand needles into my heart and then, slowly plucked them out. Fraser was the first and only boy I have ever had a crush on. I haven’t seen him for three years, but my feelings for him have never wavered.

The third period bell rings piercingly as I throw my diary in my locker and slam the door shut. The slamming noise echoes loudly through the almost empty hallway. I spin around holding my history textbook and started jogging to my next class. I know better than to be late to Mr. Harish’s history class. As I round the corner, I crash hard into someone, I stumble back as my books fly out of my hands and he hit the floor with a loud thud. I quickly gather all my stuff, and extend my hand to help him, “I’m so sorry! I was really late for Mr. Harish’s history class and I didn’t…” As he lifts his head, my voice caught in my throat and I freeze on the spot. My eyes widened and my books slipped from my hands and onto the floor again. The sound of the thud muffled and it seemed to be a thousand miles away. Then, I caught myself gazing into a pair of breathtaking brown eyes with gold specks.