Letting go

Letting go(Kutuhala) As she was removing the clothes from the drier, she paused and looked out of the balcony. In the distance, she could see the sea. She could see lines of cars on the highway…a kite hovering above…the gentle breeze blowing her curls…she was struck by a sudden feeling of loneliness.

All through the day, as she went about her myriad chores, she would pause and wonder if she was always this lonely. As she watched her daughter run into her arms after school, she was thinking about her own school days. She had been such a popular girl with her set of close friends. Wonder what they were doing now?

Later that evening, as she and her husband discussed the expenses of the month, she realized that they had absolutely nothing else to discuss about. After 10 years of being married, is this what happened to most couples? Or is it because she had cut herself off from the corporate world?

The next morning, she sat down and logged onto facebook. She spent a few hours trying to remember old friends and track them down. As she read through their profiles, she felt tears welling up in her eyes. Everyone seemed to be busy. They all seemed to be managing a high-end career and children; holidaying with their spouses. And these were girls who had never belonged to the “performers club”!! Where did she lose her way? Was it because of the choices that she made? Or was it because of the circumstances that life had presented to her?

After dropping her daughter off to school, she again logged onto to facebook. She had been thinking a lot about him. Her first boyfriend…who had loved her in a way that only a 16 year old could…and who had hurt in a way only a 16 year old could. Even thinking about him now made her feel sad. She found his name…but what was this she was reading “ Miss you…RIP”!! He had been dead for over 2 years now…in a drowning accident and she had been thinking about him all along!

Later that night, she sat down in the balcony and thought how lucky he was. He didn’t have to endure life the way she had to. She wondered what it would feel like to close her eyes and never wake up. She wondered what it would feel like if she decided to jump off…would she see her life flashing by in the few seconds before death? Would any one miss her?

She stood holding onto the railing….thinking…fearing….should I let go?