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- Story Listed as: Fiction For Adults
- Theme: Science Fiction
- Subject: Science / Science Fiction
- Published: 07/21/2018
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Born 1951, M, from Wilmington NC, United States.jpeg)
The Catalogue showed up on everyone’s doorstep. Even if they didn’t have a door. Yep. Seven point three billion catalogues, neatly wrapped in see through plastic, and securely taped together- one for every single human being. Even the ones tOo little to read, or browse. Everyone got one. Every one.
You couldn’t help but open it. It smelled delicious. Some folks smelled chocolate once they picked it up. Others smelled melted Caramel over vanilla ice cream, or an apple. Everyone smelled something delicious, delightful, or indescribably scrumptious when they lifted the catalogue up. Lots of folks smelled it for days before they actually opened it.
Most were afraid the enticing smells were in the wrapper itself, and would disappear when the seal was broken. That, of course, turned out to be an imagined worry, no substance in the real world. The catalogue always smelled great. Mine smelled (and still does) like jasmine on my wife’s neck after a shower. My brother smells 17 year old Scotch. I think he might have a problem. My sister said that hers smells like someone dipped every rose in the world in Chocolate, and then they all bloomed at the same moment.
The Catalogue did some amazing things- miracles really. For example, if you were blind, or born deaf, or without a sense of smell, all you had to do was break the seal on your catalogue and you were cured, healed, or your senses were returned to full speed. The blind saw, the deaf heard, those that couldn’t smell, suddenly could- and believe me, they all cried. On the back cover, in small print it says clearly:
WARNING: THE CATALOGUE CAN CURE EVERYTHING BUT STUPIDITY. DON’T BE STUPID, OPEN THE DAMN THING.
Most people never even got to the back page to read the warning …until, or unless, they had already ordered something.
Some of the items were intriguing curiosities; like the “One Day Over” button.
It was just a big button. Blue. When it came to your door, it wouldn’t let you open the package until you read the instruction carefully. It could be used more than once, but it only gave you that one day over. And it picked the day, not you.
I ordered one.
Another item that was popular was the True Love Compass. It would point you to your True Love. If that person (or sometimes: Music, Art or Profession) also had bought a True Love Compass, well it made things much simpler and easier. For just like Ordinary Compasses it alway pointed to the correct direction.
My wife ordered one.
Almost everyone bought the slightly different version of the True Love Compass, it was called the Political Poll Pointer. It pointed to crooked politicians, and pointed out their lies. The doggone thing spun like a propellor that first year the catalogue was out. Now most folks don’t even buy one. There aren’t many two faced Politicians left.
But the real reason everyone ordered at least one thing from the Catalogue, was the giant text box on the first page:
“We offer free shipping. Anywhere. Anywhen. To AnySpecies.”
(Offer void if you work for the Catalogue)
You can’t order a Catalogue - you automatically get one when you are done.
Many folks tried to order the Interspecies Connection Cylinder, but you would just get a note:
“This item is unavailable until your world abandons war and violence. But your order has been placed in layaway.”
I have just ordered the “Donut Replicator.” It takes any food source: cheese, meat, fruit, even broccoli, and makes it taste not only like a donut, but the best donut you ever ate. Complete with all the joy, pleasure, and satisfaction you felt when eating it that first time; and it keeps all the nutrients of whatever you put in the replicator.
Let’s just say I eat my broccoli now.
Oh, there is a knock on the door. My wife’s True Love Compass has arrived. I am betting it points to me. I think she is hoping for Bernie. Well, I can’t lose. If it doesn’t point to me. I shall order my own True Love Compass, after all:
“Shipping is free.”
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