Deja Vu.(Kevin Hughes) Kevin did not like the look on Katie’s face. She was sipping her tea (PJ’ Tips, one dab of cream, two sugars) and looking out the window. Her face had that distant look on it. The one she got when her thoughts got either dark or, or distant. He was never sure which one it was…until he asked.

“Does your Grace wish to be undisturbed?”

Without turning her head, she nodded a negative. Out loud she said:

“No. Just sit for a bit, while I think about how to say this.”

Kevin slid into a chair across from her. Automatically one of her hands started to seek his hand. His own hand was already gently headed to her side of the table. Like old friends, their two hands cuddled in what could only be called a hug.

The silence was warm and safe. One thinking what to say, the other merely patient. The minutes passed. The tea cooled. Their hands rested on each other. And then…

“Kevin, what do we do now?”

“Whatever we want.”

She turned to look at him. Her head cocked to one side - like a dog might look at its owner. Not sure what was going on.

Kevin caught that look.

“I mean the settlement from Cern means you don’t have to worry about Money or Bills. All your treatment is covered - for life. The house is paid for. You don’t need a car. But if you wanted to you could buy any car you wanted.

So you have no financial responsibilities …or worries. “

She nodded at that. It was true. The settlement with CERN and the Insurances she had before the Accident left her quite independent financially. But independence isn’t just about money.

“No, Kevin. I mean what are we to do …now?”

Kevin had wondered when she would bring this subject up. A mind like hers couldn’t possibly stay idle. For two years she had just one goal, one purpose- live. Against all odds she did just that- live.

Therapy was ongoing, and would probably continue for the rest of her life. But her mind was ready now for more than just the next session, treatment, or exam. In a word, she was bored. Kevin saw it coming over the last few weeks. His eyes sparkled knowing she was at the cusp of moving on. A part of him was nervous though…would she need to move on without him?

“They have kept your Position at the University open for you. You could go back to your research.”

So softly he had to lean in to hear her, she said in a voice filled with honest appraisal of her own worth:

“No. Research has moved on without me. I would have to play catch up on all the advances. I have been out of touch for to long. To be honest, I haven’t thought about any of the things my mind used to percolate through daily. I just wanted to live. “

He squeezed her hand…gently. The pins and screws in her twisted and scarred hands hurt if he put too much pressure on them.

“Is Teaching out of your reach too? I mean you know so much. Couldn’t you, I don’t know, help raise the next generation of Scientists?”

She laughed gently, waving her free hand to cover her entire body.

“You think kids would want to see THIS every day in Class?”

Kevin didn’t hesitate.

“Yes. I see you every day. Once they get past the surface, they will love you…just like I do.”

A tear formed. Another miracle. The plastic surgeon who had repaired and unblocked her tear ducts was yet another Hero in her eyes. She could cry again. Not often, but when needed... like now.

Kevin’s words had driven themselves into both her heart, and the heart of the problem. She couldn’t live without Kevin, but she couldn’t grow with him here.

She squeezed his hand - hard. Maybe the pain would make it easier to say what she had to say. It did not.

“Kevin, my Knight in Green Corduroy. I…I…have given this much thought.”

Kevin prodded her with a quick remark.

“Honey, I know you are thinking about something. You have had so many challenges…what now?

She curled up her courage and wrapped it around her decision.

“What now? Now, my Knight in Green Corduroy…it is time for you to go. And me to find myself again. “

She held her breath. Her heart was wailing and beating against the wall of reason she was using to map out a future. The little girl in her brain went back to that moment in HS where she sat on the bed and told him she was going Away.

And that little girl was staring at her with a look that could only be read as:

“You are doing this…again? Jesus, Katie.”

She saw the look on Kevin's face. She had seen it before. That night so long ago when MIT won out over Love. It hurt to see it …again. Part of her was disgusted with herself. It wasn’t him, but her. But she knew she had to find herself again. She had to be independent before she could be depended on.

His face was a kaleidoscope of emotions. They played across his face in a frenzy of the range of human emotions. She would remember that look playing out on his face for the rest of her life. She had left yet another wound on the soul of the only man she had ever loved.

She saw him shudder. She knew he had come to some decision. She squeezed his hand again. The Pain forgotten. She was saying goodbye, and they both knew it.

Kevin stood up. She wanted to hear him yell, beg, plead, scream, blame or curse. Just like all those years ago…he did none of that.

He simply stood up. With a gentle motion that belied the power of grief behind it, he peeled her hand off of his. Placing her hand back on the table, he patted the back of her palm …once.

“As you wish, your Grace.”

He didn’t pack a thing. He just walked out the door. She heard a car door. And he was gone. Her tears left a puddle on the table.

It was way past midnight before she could move. Her tea was ice cold. Her emotions had frozen over. It was time to learn how to be her self again.

She went to her bed. The picture of the two of them on the bus was on her nightstand. She picked it up. Wondering where those two kids were going this time. She kissed the picture.

She rolled back into bed. His words allowing her to go to sleep as she repeated them over and over to herself:

“As you wish.”

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